


Ruler of Everything

by 48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Dipper is 25, Dipper is trans, Dysphoria, Other, abusive dynamics, not a happy fic, ventfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:02:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25022848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue/pseuds/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue
Summary: Dipper struggles with concepts of bodies and control.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Ruler of Everything

**Author's Note:**

> this is literally just me being fucking PISSED and unhappy at some irl things and yet another roadblock in my life and a vessel for my own angst so like, what you see is what you get, like, while I might add some more substantive trans struggles to my horror fics with Dipper, the veneer of fanfiction here is just a tool for my own self care right now
> 
> also idk if this can perceived as creepy subtext but that isn't the main focus at all
> 
> fic title a song by tally hall

"Gee, kid. You don't even need me to root around in there. You're doing half the work for me."

Dipper tries to drown Bill out, half-heartedly, where he hums, hovering behind him. Normally he'd tell Bill to get the fuck out of his head, out of his nightmares, knees drawn up to his chest-

But he doesn't even have the energy tonight.

This body is a cage he can't escape, that traps him and nothing is working out right and...

And he's so tired.

He's so tired of trying and having to get back up from rock bottom every time he thinks he's safe. He's tired of having to prove himself when things are hard enough already and most of the people who don't love him would jump at the chance to try and hurt him again- and while he's grateful for the people in his life who love and accept him, it doesn't change the fact that they can move on or replace the fact that Dipper doesn't know how to face himself, and feel like he isn't vibrating out of his fucking skin, and doesn't know how to make people see who he is when he can't even break free. That he can't find a way to get the things he needs and even when he thinks he's close enough to get there, something comes in and screws it up or yanks his hopes away.

He's tired of knowing the truth and having people try to pretend it's something they can define for him.

"But hey. Maybe you're ahead of the curve." Bill sings. He puts a hand on Dipper's shoulder, too much pressure, enough to feel as if it'll bruise, even though this isn't real and Dipper hates it but he doesn't brush him off, because at least that pain feels external, at least it's not all the other things he can't handle, even when Bill's actions are still all inside his head. At least it's not something that aches on the inside, that Dipper can't fix easily.

Bill is easy to hate. Easier to fight, because Dipper wants to make him hurt and that's not a personal betrayal, staring Dipper in the mirror, even if Dipper can blame himself for letting Bill get close enough to hurt him again. Even if maybe that's not his fault, either, because it's not for lack of trying. Even if it's easy, when you're lonely and lost and struggling to let the right people in. Sometimes, it's easier to keep your enemies close, if only because you know how to make that anger mean something and keep you safe. It's harder, when you can't be angry, when all you can do is be angry at yourself and things outside your control but you want to fix and do something, anyway.

Bill keeps going, always happy with a captive audience, even if Dipper's mind still feels numb, pins-and-needles static buzzing in his head, distracted by all the fears he can't fix quickly or easily. Battles he knows how to fight and make his way through even if he doesn't know how he'll ever find peace.

"I guess it's a good thing I stuck around. You need a real pal to keep you company, whose seen the worst and doesn't mind. No one else is going to. Mabel will leave you behind, once she gets wrapped up in something shiny and new and better than her old life with you, and Ford and Stan are getting on in age. Soon there won't be anyone left. And what then? Face it, kid. You are never going to be okay."

And Dipper wonders why the hell he keeps engaging, keeps listening, doesn't say, "You're wrong." That he'll make it through the other side and things will finally work out, even when he feels like he's been walking on eggshells his whole life and not knowing why until the words came and then it was like a forest fire he couldn't ignore now that the feeling of wrongness and pain had a name on top of all the other things he's grown up and conquered, despite everything.

Except deep down, he knows why.

Because part of him believes he deserves it. Part of him believes Bill is right- not for any lack of trying on Dipper's part- but because he's just not good enough, and he doesn't know how to be okay, because every time he thinks he is something goes wrong and he's back at the start.

But maybe that's alright.

Maybe knowing that it hurts and recognizing that he's seeking out the pain means he knows something is wrong, and he can try again.

Because all he can do is keep trying.

Maybe it's okay to break and get back up, even when it feels impossible.

Maybe that's all you can do, even if you're scared struggling to stay afloat is all you know how to do.

**Author's Note:**

> note to self for another fic maybe: 
> 
> We are not owed love by anyone save learning how to love ourselves, but choose to love anyway.
> 
> And we hope that by loving the world and the people around us, without entitlement or greed, that we can make things brighter, make things kinder, make people feel that the bonds we build are stronger than the things that try to break them.
> 
> A supportive community is the love of individuals wishing for the welfare and dignity and safety of the people who choose to build it together.


End file.
